If Seinfeld Characters Had Email Signatures

Brad Beutler

Brad Beutler

As our “If [BLANK] Had Email Signatures” series has grown over the past two years, our mailbox has seen a steady stream of requests for…nothing.

The show about nothing, that is.

Since its debut in 1989, many things have been said about Seinfeld. Reviews run the gamut from “the greatest sitcom in history” to “I don’t get it,” and while certainly polarizing, there’s one thing that’s for sure: Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer & their host of friends or enemies (looking at you, Newman) are certainly characters.

In this edition, we take a look at what the email signatures of the Seinfeld gang, their acquaintances, bosses, and roommates would look like.

Jerry Seinfeld

Our protagonist, Mr. Jerome Allen Seinfeld, is the kind of guy that probably hates emails. But, as we all know, in this day and age, email is as inescapable as Crazy Joe Davola after his script gets rejected. Jerry’s always been a ladies man (emphasis on the plural there). And sure, he’s still in the observational comedy game, but things aren’t quite as lucrative as they were in the Night Club days. However, not to worry, as we like to think that Jerry’s entered into the age of the side-hustle in style by starting his own dating service. While it’s unclear whether he can remember any of his customers’ names on his own (ahem, Deloris), we’re optimistic Jerry’s dating service is getting some serious benefit from Sigstr’s email signature marketing and relationship data.

Elaine Benes

Speaking of Jerry’s ex-girlfriends, we like to imagine that Elaine is much more email-friendly. After her stints at Pendant Publishing and J. Peterman (more on him later), Elaine finds herself in between jobs.

After some downtime, Elaine has examined what she’s really qualified for and turned to the entrepreneur life. If you guessed a school of dance, you’re right, as she likes to think “refined” and “classy” email signature marketing is the best way to promote her unique dancing technique. Her sender-based banners are super effective in promoting upcoming dance classes, and she’s even begun using ABM functionality to target past dancers for new classes.

George Costanza

In his lifelong quest for happiness, love, parental approval, and whatever else he actually wants in life, our dear friend George is certainly not short on resume entries. After stints (of varying levels of success and reality) as a latex salesman, a hand model, a marine biologist, and even a sales rep on the Penske file, George finds himself living the dream (again).

Somehow, even after faking another disability to try and get his own bathroom, the younger Steinbrenner has given old Georgey boy a second chance, and he’s back playing for the winning team in ticket sales. Luckily, the Yankees’ marketing team is killing it with their email signature campaigns, promoting upcoming games and special events at the Stadium.

Even better, their efforts have helped put George near the top of his sales team, bringing pride to the Costanza name and finally redirecting his classic realization: “Every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every walk of life, be it something to wear, something to eat...it’s all been wrong.” Play ball, Cant-Stand-Ya!

Cosmo Kramer

Ever the enigma, Kramer has shown that he has quite a few “professional” talents over the years. From golf, to acting, to driving a bus, the Seinfeld character who never seems to have a job at least makes one thing clear. Whatever Cosmo does, he does it in style. That’s why, after the gang disperses, he finds himself taking the entrepreneurial route and starting his own men’s clothing shop.

Just like the store’s stock, ranging from upscale undergarments (The Bro™) to everyday threads (puffy shirts) to formalwear (Technicolor Dreamcoat, anyone?), Kramer’s eye for style is exhibited in his email signature. He’s found great success with campaigns promoting upcoming sales and incoming inventory. The best part? He’ll never have to worry about being fired for missing work on Festivus.

Newman

After all his time in the “service” (the postal service, that is), Newman’s hard work has finally paid off! In spite of his inability to talk to people, his status as a company man has earned him a couple of promotions, and we find our fair villain in a desk job at the all-powerful USPS.

While he’d have never been able to install his own email signature by himself, the Postal Service’s marketing team has him covered with a handy, centrally-controlled email signature and dynamic campaigns to boot! Now, instead of sending terribly sinister emails with nothing but his name as the sign-off, Newman’s presumably diabolical and mail-zealous emails are brand standard and show off some the latest USPS best practices! Who would have thought Newman would actually help people ship things to their family and friends right in time for the holidays!

J Peterman

After Elaine’s old boss started feeling the decline of catalogs, Jacopo Peterman and his team resorted to some new-age marketing techniques. Competing with smaller boutiques (like Kramer’s) has been tough, but in an effort to rev up their strategy, team J Peterman has elected to get hyper-specific in their persona targeting.

Now, even from Burma or while meeting the bushmen of the Kalahari, J. Peterman can get the word out about new band-collar shirts, updated vests and, of course, the Urban Sombrero.

Art Vandelay

The ever-elusive importer/exporter (and, on the side, latex tycoon) has maintained his success all these years. But as content marketing has hit its stride (especially in the B2B space), Vandelay Industries’ bottom line has responded favorably to the influx of content being produced. While nobody has actually met the guy, his name is on everyone’s email, and he’s using the piece of digital real estate to promote ebooks, reports, and blog posts.


So there you have it. Even though these email signatures are about “nothing,” luckily, they all prove everyone has something worth promoting in their email signature.

We hope you’ve enjoyed it. If not, Serenity Now.

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